JOKES HERE! post em up!

[bumbles]

alright well i guess ill start this off! so heres a few good "and thats how the fight began jokes"

my wife walked into the living room the other day and asked me "hey whats on the tv?" i replyed "dust" and thats how the fight began.

last night me and her were talking over anniversery gifts. she told me she wanted something big and shiny, that did 0 to 200 in about 2 second. i gave her a scale, and thats how the fight began

this morning me and the wife were getting ready to go to work. and shes standing in the mirror and she starts complaining about how her body is starting to go for a shit, "oh my skins starting to wrinkle, im getting bags under my eyes, my hairs turning gray" and then she turns to me and says "i could really use a positive compliment!" i said "you have mighty fine eye sight." and thats how the fight began.

there will be more to come as i find 'em!

[bumbles]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up..

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"A s he neared a lake , he came across a very large female beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[bumbles]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is ..... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!' Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
(scroll down)



NO, The duck didn't say THAT



The duck said.....



'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!




Tight Skirt
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman

wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became

aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the

height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would be enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip little more and again she still was unable to take the step .
About this time, a large North Dakotan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan And yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The North Dakotan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends

[lazer-blau e34]

Ok so a Rich man and a poor man are talking to eachother in the supermarket. they both know they just got married and asked eachother what they bought their wifes. the rich man says " i got her a new shiny BMW M3 and a beautiful ring" the poor man asks why did you give her both he replies " if she dosnt like the M3 she has the ring" so the rich man asks the poor man what he got his wife. the poor man says " a pair of slippers and a dildo" so the rich man says why thoes 2 things and the poor man says " if she dont like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

[bumbles]

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat. reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly, into tub, if possible, Do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.


Alt method, possibly safer.

You grab the cat---put in toilet and stand on lid.
Flush once to wet.
Squirt liquid soap in side---
Flush twice to wash--
Flush as needed to rinse,
When bubbles stop coming out from under the lid, the final rinse is done--
Stand WAY back when you open the lid...

(no--I didn't--but this way sounded MUCH safer)
(the DOG taught me how to do this--LOL)

[john.patry]

Wow,nice jokes.The whole day I was laughing.Want to read more jokes.Thanks for my my day wonderful by this interesting jokes.

[digitaldream]

Originally Posted by bumbles

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up..

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"A s he neared a lake , he came across a very large female beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

i almost drop my tounge